This is a writing essay revision. Need to add more 300 words, and here is the comment from my professor :
“Overall, this essay provides a lot of excellent information; it’s clear that you did a lot of research when developing this draft. However, since there’s so much information, it was difficult for me to parse through and understand what YOU were trying to argue. Much of this draft feels more like a synthesis or summary of the research you’ve done than the development of an argument. Since there was so many references to your research and your sources, I had a hard time finding YOUR voice and YOUR ideas.
I don’t think you need to take out the information that you’ve presented in this draft; I just think it needs to be reorganized, and your own argument needs to take a more central position within the essay, whatever you decide you want that argument to be. One thing that may help bring out your own voice and argument in more depth is to identify some specific problem, situation, or issue within a local community, whether that community is the U of O, in your own home town, or somewhere else entirely. If you wanted, you could even use an example from our assigned readings to assess whether or not it presents an example of systemic racism within the food system.
For example, you could take Winona LaDuke’s example of the wild rice and examine whether or not the University of Minnesota’s use of that rice to develop a genetically-engineered strain of paddy rice could be considered an example of structural racism within the food system. That way, you could use the information that you’ve presented in this draft as a critical framework by which you examine and assess LaDuke’s example.
Or, you could even use that opportunity to determine whether or not genetic engineering of foods can be seen as racist. Whatever you decide, I think you’d do well to frame the specific context and conversation that you’re addressing much, much earlier in the essay and then use the information you’ve included in this draft to act as a critical framework by which you analyze and assess the various aspects of genetic engineering. In other words, you could focus on the major parts of genetic engineering (or, more accurately, the distribution of genetically-engineered foods within the food system), and select the ideas that are most crucial to assessing and understanding each respective aspect of this topic.”
Here is the writing instruction requirement:
Meets the 1,500 word minimum (excluding the Works Cited page); there’s no maximum page limit, but please try to keep your essay around 2,000 words or less if possible.
Uses formal academic prose
Adheres to the requirements of Standard Edited American English, MLA documentation style, and formatting guidelines stated in the syllabus
Includes parenthetical citations and a Works Cited page that lists the texts you cite in your essay
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